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Jeff Maurer's Politics Blog
Monday, 19 December 2005
Dinosaurs Existed
Topic: Religion

  The Mariners recently signed Carl Everett, which bothers me for two reasons.  First, the Mariners - unlike the Oakland A's - apparently do not look at three year trends when making personnel decisions.  If they had, they would see that Carl Everett is player on a steady decline in spite of the fact that he has played left-handed-hitter friendly parks.  This is probably one of the reasons why the A's kick our asses every year with half the payroll.  My predictions for Carl Everett in 2006: 100 games played, .235, 14 HR, 2 ejections, 3 things said about Ichiro that, upon closer inspection, are incredibly racist, 6 quotes "taken out of context", 1 Texas Rangers fan karate-chopped in the throat, 322 references to himself in the third person.

  But here's the other thing that bothers me: Carl Everett does not believe in dinosaurs.  He thinks they're somehow made up.  I read this before Ryan Conner mentioned on his blog that a friend of a friend also does not believe in dinosaurs.  Unless the friend of the friend is Carl Everett, that means that there are at least two people walking around who do not believe in dinosaurs.  Which means that now is a good time to address something that I've been meaning to address for a while: if you claim to literally believe everything in the Bible, you are a fucking moron.

  Let me rephrase: if you claim to literally believe everything in the Bible, you don't know what you're talking about.  And I say this not because of dinosaurs, which I actually can't prove existed any more than I can prove that Abraham Lincoln existed.  Also, I say this not because of any of the other completely erroneous stuff in the Bible, such as the sun revolving around the earth, every species of animal in the world fitting onto an ark about the size of two Boeing 747s, people living six hundred-plus years, or the universe being configured like a giant snow globe with stars painted on the top.  I'll give a free pass on all of this stuff because: 1) I understand that God can do whatever He wants, so ordinary laws of nature don't apply, and 2) I don't need those arguments to prove that people who take the Bible literally are fucking morons.

  People who claim to take the Bible literally are morons (fucking morons, to be precise) because the Bible very clearly contradicts itself numerous times.  Therefore, it is impossible to take the Bible literally.  Next time someone says that they believe everything in the Bible, I recommend trying to get them to explain one of these contradictions:

1.  In the first two chapters of Genesis, there is a clear contradiction involving the creation story that Bible thumpers claim to know so well.  In Genesis 1:26-27, God creates man and woman on the sixth day:

[26] And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
[27] So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

God then rests on the seventh day, and on the eighth day, apparently forgetting what just happened, creates man again in a totally different way in Genesis 2:7:

[7] And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

Then, after creating all the beasts of the Earth again for some reason, God creates woman yet again in a totally different way in Genesis 2:21-23:

[21] And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
[22] And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
[23] And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

  Hmm...suspicious.  It's almost as if two popular creation stories circulating the region at the time Genesis was authored were incorporated so that people could accept Judiasm without drastically changing their beliefs, or that one story was there at one point and another was tacked on at some unspecified later time for similar reasons.  But let me continue...

2.  This is a nice, simple contradiction that is incredibly obvious from a story that everyone knows.  Genesis 7:8-9 tells the story of Noah loading the animals two by two into the ark:

[8] Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth,
[9] There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, as God had commanded Noah.

But only six verses earlier, God specifically instructs Noah to take seven pairs of each animal (except for the "unclean" ones, meaning basically pigs, lobsters, and crabs) into the ark:

[2] Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female.
[3] Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.

3.  My personal favorite: everyone knows that Jesus was crucified on Good Friday and rose from the dead three days later on Easter Sunday.  How many days between Friday and Sunday? 

  My point here is not that the Bible is worthless or that Christians are stupid (I consider myself a Christian), but simply that the Bible can't be taken literally.  Centuries of poor translations, poor transcriptions, and intentional fabrication and deception by people who found cause to do so have left it riddled with mistakes.  For centuries, people have altered and added to the Bible to make things fit the conditions of their particular time and place.  Most biblical scholars believe, for example, that the Friday to Sunday being counted as three days problem stems from a combination of misinterpretation and a desire to bring the story in line with the customs of the various times and places in which the Gospels were written.  In my opinion, the Bible can still be useful if you assume the stories to be allegorical and focus on the larger message, but if you claim to take it literally you either haven't read as far as Genesis 2:7 or are a complete fucking moron.

Posted by jeffmaurer1980 at 1:50 PM EST
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